A little GA silliness is good for the soul

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Yukon Presbytery commissioner pens a poem

by the Rev. Matt Schultz
Pastor, First Presbyterian Church, Anchorage, Alaska

I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian.
My mastery of language has been rated near-Shakespearian.
My worship style is orthodox, eschewing the heretical.
My preaching's not exciting but at least it's exegetical.

My 3-point sermons never leave a point that's unattributed.
And my communion elements are properly distributed.
All hymns composed since 1800 I consider "recently."
I never make a motion out of order or indecently.

I've walked with silent patience in a hundred robed processionals.
I call the church connectional and also quite confessional.
In short, in things pertaining to ecclesial criterion
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian

We often hold a modern major General Asemble-y
And it is as dysfunctional as any modern family.
Our polity is lib'rally conservative sectarian.
The breadth of our perspectives makes us quasi-Unitarian.

My capital campaigning raises funds for the facility.
My pleas to raise attendance have the flavor of futility.
And though I'm anti-sexist to the best of my ability,
I think that my tall steeple is a symbol of virility

My youth group is outnumbered by my surly centenarians.
I cite the Greek and Hebrew to impress the Seminarians.
In short, in things pertaining to ecclesial criterion
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian.